Down the toilet

The Internet of Things, or IoT, is all about connecting devices to the Internet so that they can talk to us, and to each other. For example, your fridge could text you that it is out of food.

This got me thinking about the toilet. It could make a comeback of sorts, due to the IoT. Of course, its job would be limited to automating flushes and assessing your poop. Its sensors and diagnostic powers, combined with cloud-based services, would analyse your poop and pass judgement on it. The smart toilet could even book a medical appointment for you, if your "business" looked funny that morning. And give you a hands-free backwash.

Of course, hackers could lower the seat, track your habits, and even violate you with the hands-free tool. But, that's the price of progress.

So, the toilet is set for a comeback, thanks to the IoT. But I doubt it will become the supreme throne it once was during the Internet of Toilets (also called IoT) era.

The IoT era was way superior to the Internet as a form of communication. It was simple.

Anyone starting a Toilet Door Talk was called TDT Starter, or TDTS. He would use a Community Toilet Terminal, or CTT, to access the IoT.

In most cases, the person would bring his own pen or marker from home. Even today, very few CTT actually give you writing equipment.

Thus, the person would write on the toilet's door and begin a topic. Titles were written in bold. Subjects ranged from ancient Greece to world peace. And after the person had finished using the toilet, another would enter to reply. Message one: Calm yourself, it will come. Message two: Thanks, patience is a classical virtue.

The IoT gained wide acceptance in the late 1980s. As a result, young people started flooding the CTTs. Most just sat on the toilet with clenched teeth and squeezed and squeezed - until an emoji with clenched teeth popped in their heads. They drew this revelation on the toilet door. And that's how emojis came into being. This new way to express ideas did not fit in well with the original users' mindset.

As things went on, the IoT started attracting people with controversial ideas who used the platform to recruit e-jihadis and their e-virgins. This led to calls for government control of IoT.

In early '90s, the authorities began 24/7 supervision of CTTs. CTT owners had to record the date and time of the visitor, the length of the visit, and whether the visitor had performed number one, number two or only IoT. Repeat visitors were granted coupons. A typical coupon imposed a limit of 250 grams on number two and 500 ml on number one. Coupons were non-tradeable. Also, the coupon limited communication to just one character per bowel movement. The people who did so were called twits. An example:

Twit: Have to poop.

Twit: Pooped.

Twit: It's like a dream come true.

This is similar to social networking today.

With a rise in its popularity, the IoT started to attract commercial interest. This gave rise to t-commerce. Users marked their orders on toilet doors. And the package arrived at the user's home, or a toilet of his choice. T-commerce brought endless riches. But the bubble burst and everyone dumped the IoT.

Now that the toilets are staging a comeback on the Internet of Things, they may seek revenge. They may close their lids on us. I am off to the woods. Can anyone recommend a bush?

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